Confessions of a Mad Man

I won't reveal the other person in this party for the simple fact that I think I would be embarrassed if you knew their identity.

Me: Uhhhh....WHAT are you doing?

UnNamed Conversationalist (UC): What? There's still pineapple here on the core.

Me: Yeah, but I just put that in the trash.

UC: So?

Me: You're eating out of the TRASH!

UC: It didn't touch the ground, did it?

Me: No.

UC: So what's the big deal?

Me: It's the TRASH!

UC: Oh...well...uh...

Me: *Rolls eyes, nearly gags, while noting that there is still plenty of good/available pineapple that hasn't been IN THE TRASH!*

If I'm not mistaken, this now officially makes my life exactly like a Seinfeld eppy.

I knew it was going to be a long day. I guess it's my own fault that I ignored the signs.

The fun started when Mom woke me up bright and early on my Saturday morning to ask if I wanted to go Christmas shopping. If you know me at all, then you know my immediate answer would have been "Heeeeeeell No." I despise shopping. It's torture. Unless, I'm on a mission for something fabulous because that whole concept of aimless shopping where you wander around for hours is enough to make me want to vom.

Anyways, so she asked me a second time, this time I had at least one eye propped open. I didn't want to, but I know my mom's tricky rhetoric. She's asking me to inform me. She's informing me to lay a guilt trip. And she's guilt tripping me for the pure fact that I hate guilt. This guilt was enough to get me out of bed and go shopping.

However, had I known that we were Xmas shopping for her loverrrrr, then I probably would have crawled back into bed faster than a pig can squeal BBQ at a country picnic. However, I tried to hide my displeasure and carry on with the day. Hey..maybe I'd find something fantastic too?!?

Two stores into our shopping spree and mom gets hungry. Fair enough, it's lunch time. So we stop at a little pizza place at my old college stomping ground that has some of the best white pizza under the sun. No that's not a racial slur, it's just literally white with Mozzy, Ricotta, and plenty of garlic. It's delish and was thoroughly enjoyed by all. But before the pizza came, mom decided to bring up the topic of me...teaching and life after college.

In reality, I think she wanted to talk about how pleased she was that I was ultimately following in her footsteps which I guess is what every parent (at some level) wishes for one of their children. I stated that I hoped it would be a challenge for me since I haven't exactly felt challenged in any position since I left college, unless you want to talk about those days I spent picking fruit for a measly $15 a day. That was pretty challenging not to kill myself for my own stupidity. Anyways, I said that I hoped this new opportunity would take me to a boiling point and make me truly work. I hoped by living in another country that I would feel rewarded when I finally found myself at home in a culture entirely different from my home. To me, that was the adventure I was seeking. She nodded in agreement and knew instantly what I meant. She knew that I was looking at a grander scheme and searching for my ultimate adventure. She still smiled though. Beaming from ear to ear with the thought of me being a teacher.

And then silence ensued. I stared out the window. Mom stared at the kitchen, willing our pizza to appear from the oven. I mentally noted the behavioral patterns of people within the restaurant. She kept constant watch on our pizza. Finally, she looked away and I sipped my tea where our gazes finally met in the middle of the table. Mom smirked and I asked ever so eloquently, "Whatcha thinkin', Lincoln?" and out of nowhere she dropped the bomb.

Oh, I was just thinking of how much money Tony is going to make today. Moe, it's at least half a million! Oh, it's just ridiculous how much money he makes. Just makes me giddy.

I stared at her and then literally bit my tongue because the only words that came to thought were, "Who are you??"

This was the second time today she'd talked about how much money Tony makes. Doesn't she know, I don't give a flying fuck??? And what happened to all those morals and values that you acquired through life without the presence of money?!? Wasn't that what she always taught us growing up?? "Do what you love and happiness will follow," I swore that's what she drilled into our little minds. And every Christmas when we didn't have a million presents under the tree, wasn't she the first to say, "Sorry guys I know it's not alot this year, but you know the most important thing at this time of the year is family." I know I certainly wasn't saying it at age 8, when all I wanted more than anything in the world was one of those stupid lifesize barbies where you could dress up in their clothes.

So now that I'm old enough to pretend to be an adult, I have to wonder now that I've acquired the mindset that money isn't everything, where the hell has hers gone?? Yes, I get it. Money does make life easier, that's not the issue. It's just that all she wants to talk about is either her sexual relations or how much money her loverrr makes. Those haven't always been the best signs of a good relationship, in my opinion, and I certainly would have thought that after all the shit my mom went through in my parent's very ugly and public divorce, she would have at least learned one lesson about relationship.

So now, I really only have one question left to ask

Evil alien pod! What have you done with my mother?

I don't care how much you love your parents, it is always awkward when your mom or dad gets a brand spankin' new significant other. It is even more awkward when your mom wants to talk "shop" with you.

It makes absolutely no difference that you're now a legal "adult" OR that your mom was a Biology teacher (meaning sex-talk was always more this is the penis rather than now, honey...on your wedding night.)

I will STILL cover my ears and start singing "This is the song that never ends...," in an effort to avoid permanent scarring because any sentence that involves these phrases: "Tony thinks...," "my boobs," "sugar-pie," or "I wish you were here too..hehe." are more than enough to make me want to vomit.

It's only fair that I have this reaction, considering I grew up in an entirely Dominant Male-Free Zone. I don't know any better and I've never seen my mother in love with anything other than her children and perhaps Breyers ice cream.

So I don't care if you think I'm being childish, hell, I'll be the first to admit it. I just firmly believe there are some topics that shouldn't come up at the dinner table, the grocery store, the gym, or in LIFE because I will avert eye contact and start my mental ritual to rid myself of horrid images - like mom and her lover "doin' it".

I know I will never be old enough and/or mature enough to accept the fact that my mother still has a working vag.

Ew. Ew. Ew.

I get it. I really do. But do you (read: women) really have to Kegel at the gym?

Kegel at your desk.

Kegel at the grocery store.

Kegel in your car.

Kegel at home.

Kegel while you're making dinner.

Kegel while you're having sex.

But please, is it necessary to overtly Kegel at the gym? In front of other people?

If you want to play devil's advocate here then please, go ahead and tell me that the Kegel is technically an 'exercise' and the gym is a natural place to do 'exercise.' Or maybe that women are supposed to Kegel as often as they like to help enhance sexual stimulation and gratification, but when you see some dude standing over by the Bosu ball with an erection don't come running to me because I'll just say

Oh that? Not to worry, love. He's just doing his Male Kegels.

I was driving home from the store today when one of my favorite radio stations posted a question to their general public.

Does Oprah have enough influence to push a Presidential candidate into office?

My inital reaction was calculated, thoughtful, and witty. It went a little something like this.

PFFFFFFFT!  *snicker*

I know, clever; but really, Oprah? Does this look like the face of a swing vote?

The Big O

Yeah, okay, I picked the worst possible pic of the lady in question, but people, you're looking at the face of a nation.

I realized my initial reaction was simply that - a reaction and in reality, if it came down to it, Oprah could probably push the publicity of a candidate above others while simultaneously influencing borderline voters. She has the name recognition, the money, and most importantly she possesses an ethical standard that many viewers only dream about. What Oprah says...goes.

Oprah's Book Club

Need proof?

Ever heard of this little club? Yeah, I'm a member. What's it to you?

Even if you're not an active Oprah clubber, 8 times out of 10* people will purchase a book simply because it has the Oprah stamp of approval. Why? Simple. Oprah has put her backing behind the product and has said that the quality is top-notch. Consumers search for reasons to buy a product, apparently Oprah is enough.

Oprah's Favorite Things

Need more proof?

Every Christmas, Oprah airs a My Favorite Things show and every year there is a set list of items that are "hot" for the holiday season. Ever tried to get your little greedy hands on one of those items after Oprah releases her list? It's IMPOSSIBLE! You might be able to find a knock-off, if you're lucky. Afterall, what's a Christmas Day if you don't have Oprah's favorite things? You might as well pack up the tree and the decorations, forget it and just hope and pray that you get a better chance next year.

I realize the presidential election isn't exactly a book or a Burberry purse, but think about it. How many times has someone laid reference to Oprah with regards to consumer goods, worldwide issues, and even American industries? She has more power than many of us realize.

However, don't misconstrue my words as I'm not saying that Oprah could take a nobody and make him/her president. What I am saying is that Oprah ultimately has enough national influence to make or break a candidate. Had you ever heard of Barack Obama before he appeared on the Oprah Show. If you're nodding your head yes, then you're way more up on the politics than anyone on the Eastern side of the nation. But if you're shaking your head No, didn't you want to go and look him up and see what all the fuss was about, or should I say what all of Oprah's fuss was about? Sure, he had enough charisma and political influence on his own to put himself in the Presidential race, but it was Oprah that made him a contender.

Now on a higher staked level, let's think about the last election and the half a million votes that could have knocked Bush out the White House. Could we have spent the past 7 years with a different President had Oprah openly supported a candidate? Maybe. Maybe not. But this is the real question you have to consider...

Do you think Oprah's approval is worth half a million votes?

I do.

*25.6% of all statistics are made up.

I always wanted to write like a man. Maybe today, I will.