Who Are You? And What Did You Do With My Mother?

I knew it was going to be a long day. I guess it's my own fault that I ignored the signs.

The fun started when Mom woke me up bright and early on my Saturday morning to ask if I wanted to go Christmas shopping. If you know me at all, then you know my immediate answer would have been "Heeeeeeell No." I despise shopping. It's torture. Unless, I'm on a mission for something fabulous because that whole concept of aimless shopping where you wander around for hours is enough to make me want to vom.

Anyways, so she asked me a second time, this time I had at least one eye propped open. I didn't want to, but I know my mom's tricky rhetoric. She's asking me to inform me. She's informing me to lay a guilt trip. And she's guilt tripping me for the pure fact that I hate guilt. This guilt was enough to get me out of bed and go shopping.

However, had I known that we were Xmas shopping for her loverrrrr, then I probably would have crawled back into bed faster than a pig can squeal BBQ at a country picnic. However, I tried to hide my displeasure and carry on with the day. Hey..maybe I'd find something fantastic too?!?

Two stores into our shopping spree and mom gets hungry. Fair enough, it's lunch time. So we stop at a little pizza place at my old college stomping ground that has some of the best white pizza under the sun. No that's not a racial slur, it's just literally white with Mozzy, Ricotta, and plenty of garlic. It's delish and was thoroughly enjoyed by all. But before the pizza came, mom decided to bring up the topic of me...teaching and life after college.

In reality, I think she wanted to talk about how pleased she was that I was ultimately following in her footsteps which I guess is what every parent (at some level) wishes for one of their children. I stated that I hoped it would be a challenge for me since I haven't exactly felt challenged in any position since I left college, unless you want to talk about those days I spent picking fruit for a measly $15 a day. That was pretty challenging not to kill myself for my own stupidity. Anyways, I said that I hoped this new opportunity would take me to a boiling point and make me truly work. I hoped by living in another country that I would feel rewarded when I finally found myself at home in a culture entirely different from my home. To me, that was the adventure I was seeking. She nodded in agreement and knew instantly what I meant. She knew that I was looking at a grander scheme and searching for my ultimate adventure. She still smiled though. Beaming from ear to ear with the thought of me being a teacher.

And then silence ensued. I stared out the window. Mom stared at the kitchen, willing our pizza to appear from the oven. I mentally noted the behavioral patterns of people within the restaurant. She kept constant watch on our pizza. Finally, she looked away and I sipped my tea where our gazes finally met in the middle of the table. Mom smirked and I asked ever so eloquently, "Whatcha thinkin', Lincoln?" and out of nowhere she dropped the bomb.

Oh, I was just thinking of how much money Tony is going to make today. Moe, it's at least half a million! Oh, it's just ridiculous how much money he makes. Just makes me giddy.

I stared at her and then literally bit my tongue because the only words that came to thought were, "Who are you??"

This was the second time today she'd talked about how much money Tony makes. Doesn't she know, I don't give a flying fuck??? And what happened to all those morals and values that you acquired through life without the presence of money?!? Wasn't that what she always taught us growing up?? "Do what you love and happiness will follow," I swore that's what she drilled into our little minds. And every Christmas when we didn't have a million presents under the tree, wasn't she the first to say, "Sorry guys I know it's not alot this year, but you know the most important thing at this time of the year is family." I know I certainly wasn't saying it at age 8, when all I wanted more than anything in the world was one of those stupid lifesize barbies where you could dress up in their clothes.

So now that I'm old enough to pretend to be an adult, I have to wonder now that I've acquired the mindset that money isn't everything, where the hell has hers gone?? Yes, I get it. Money does make life easier, that's not the issue. It's just that all she wants to talk about is either her sexual relations or how much money her loverrr makes. Those haven't always been the best signs of a good relationship, in my opinion, and I certainly would have thought that after all the shit my mom went through in my parent's very ugly and public divorce, she would have at least learned one lesson about relationship.

So now, I really only have one question left to ask

Evil alien pod! What have you done with my mother?